I've got a love for desire Why do I still think about him? Why do I want to be with her? Why do I cry when I see strangers who look like you? Why does it feel so heavy in my chest? Why am I still crying about you? I don’t know why I’m still stuck on this. I am grieving relationships that never existed. I can’t seem to get over people I never dated. I don't know what I'm feeling, but it hurts too much. I am often reminded of people I shared romantic connections with, but those connections were never relationships. I recently spoke to a friend who mentioned he was ready for a relationship. He told me about some girl he liked and his intent to pursue her. I couldn’t help but feel like shit for the rest of the day, thinking, “is it really that easy?”. I couldn’t believe that someone my age was actively seeking a relationship when it feels, as though, no one is ever seeking one. It made me ask myself "what am I doing wrong?", "why do I struggle so much with relationships?". I told him, confidently, that I couldn’t care less about a relationship right now, and although that most definitely carried some truth to it, I couldn’t help but feel upset in response to his declaration of love. There was a pain in my chest, and I couldn’t explain it. I am okay with not being in a relationship and I don’t feel incomplete without one. What hurts is thinking about the potential of being in one and everything that accompanies it. I have always had so much love for people. I can remember every single person I have ever had a crush on. I love to love people. I love learning languages for them, making playlists for them, watching their favourite movies, reading their favourite books, traveling to see them, dancing with them, holding hands and kissing them. There’s so much beauty in connection. Not having that, not feeling that, is what hurts. I don’t know why it hurts or why I am still hung up on people I never dated, but I am trying to get over the feeling. I can’t put a name to it, although some might call it grief. Can you really grieve the idea of someone? It sucks. I really hate feeling like this but that’s all it is, just a feeling. A stupid, shitty, and painful feeling. But I’ll get over it.
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