In response to my last post. After posting last night, I quickly got over whatever feelings I was experiencing. That was good, however, I was worried people would be quick to make assumptions about my feelings towards certain people so I am writing this as a follow up to clarify those thoughts and emotions. I feel emotions very intensely and my body reacts to them in a physical way. The issue is that I can never verbally pinpoint those emotion. All I know is the physical depth of the feeling. I used to cry frequently about people, places, and things. I really love crying, it feels good to release emotions, even if they're not always positive. However, without realizing it at the time, I hadn't properly cried over something in a while. The last time I had cried was in a restaurant, over a waiter who looked identical to a someone I was seeing over the summer time of last year, which ended terribly, but I didn't allow myself to fully cry as I was in a public space. Last night I couldn't help but sob over all my feelings of confusion. It was very much needed. At first I couldn't understand what it was. I didn't know what upset me or what I was crying about. What I did know for certain was that I was not upset over that person. In fact, it had nothing to do with him at all. Then I started to question my emotional reaction in response to my friend saying he was ready to be in a relationship. I think it's reasonable to assume that I was upset because I wanted my friend to want to be in a relationship with me, but truthfully, that wasn't the case either. In fact, it had nothing to do with him at all. So I asked myself, "Why am I crying over people I have no interest in?", "Why am I crying over people I haven't talked to in months?", "People I never even dated?", "What am I crying about if it’s not him that I want?", "What is it that's making me so upset?". I can say, for certain, that I am no longer interested in these people I might have once had complicated romantic connections with anymore. However, I do miss the feelings and emotions I felt with and towards those people at the time. Just not those people themselves. I called another friend last night, and while crying over Facetime, he made me question why it was that I felt I could only experience love and positive depth of emotions through other people. That left me questioning why it was that I could be so invested in other people and their interests rather than my own. I recognized that there was no shame in doing things for yourself exclusively. So, just to clarify, I am not hung up on past lovers. I just miss those feelings of love that I've had in general, not with them specifically. I think what frustrates me is that I don't experience it often or ever seem to have it for long periods at a time, as I am not dating anyone at the moment. I miss it but I realize that it's okay not to date, regardless of whether it's something I have an interest in or not. I think it not only goes for past lovers, but people I have briefly met and gotten to know as well. I get attached to people, or the idea of people, very quickly without fully getting to know them. I think I just like how some people make me feel when we were together and find myself wanting more. I like how people make me feel, and I like how I can be with others. It's always nice to bask and enjoy someone's company, knowing they are enjoying yours as well. When I was upset last night, it wasn't about wanting a particular person in my life but rather wanting to feel the feelings that I know at times I have experienced towards others. Not being able to experience that, is what hurts. Sometimes I feel things without knowing what those things are but writing helps me navigate those emotions by condensing them into coherent words and sentences. As much as I will continue writing in more structured formats, I think letting thoughts roam free sometimes is equally important. It’s the only way to make sense of them.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
June 2023
Categories
All
|