So we continue to believe in love. For the past two years, I have been in and out of countless relationships, or rather, situationships. I had the idea of writing and publishing love letters to all the people I have loved, but never dated. I felt it might be a bit jarring, and others might be quick to figure out who the lovers are, but that isn’t the point. The point is to share my frustrations with dating, hoping someone might relate. I will never know an experience other than my own, so the only thing I can do is share my opinions and experiences with others, hoping they will do the same. Everyone has a different definition of love, sex, and dating. It’s hard to know what people are looking for when it feels as though they are never being honest. I would rather hear that someone is not interested in me, than hear that they are, but be shown the opposite. “I can’t have a relationship [with] everything going on in my life” said the one who got into a relationship a few weeks after texting me that. That person could, in fact, have a relationship. “I can’t do one-night stands” said the one who slept with me on the first date, and then never followed up for a second one. It was, unfortunately, a one-night stand. I’m tired of feeling like I am constantly being led on, deceived, and lied to. Now, I am, at the core, an extremist; some might prefer the term hopeless romantic. I fell in love with someone across the world one time. I made all the effort to see her, and I did. When I fall in love with someone, everything feels possible. When I am in love, or have a strong liking towards someone, it isn’t out of character for me to want to learn that person's native language or familiarize myself with their cultural holidays and traditions. I will admit, I do the absolute most; I am not always proud of it. As I am writing this, I am coming to realize that maybe I am the problem. It is not other people’s fault that I fall so incredibly head over heels for them to the point that I contemplate converting religions. That is seriously on me. What frustrates me is that these people once had feelings for me too, and told me so, but were never willing to explore what a relationship might look like between the two of us; for whatever reason. Some people want absolutely nothing to do with relationships and are only interested in having sex; that is completely okay. Sexuality is a great thing to explore in early and young adulthood. I just wish that those who were only interested in having sex would clarify it. I don’t understand the point of telling someone that you’re looking for a relationship when you’re only interested in having sex and vice versa. I understand that everyone has a different philosophy on dating, but I will never understand the lack of honesty and communication. It’s what makes casual relations and modern dating so hard. I don’t understand why people are afraid to openly express their feelings toward someone and their intentions regarding sex and dating right away. That is, assuming that people know what they want. Do people know what they want? And if they do, are people worried that they won't be able to obtain it if they express what they want? I have been on various ends of it. I have been the person desperately in love with someone who is not sure of wanting me. I have been the person looking for casual sex. I have been the one feeling chased and desired by someone I am not particularly interested in. It’s hard to tell people you might not want to date them, but ultimately, it’s best to communicate those feelings. It’s definitely hard, but it is a doable conversation to have. At the end of the day, even if I don’t know how I feel entirely, I will always tell people what I am thinking. People say things and either act accordingly, or not. Despite knowing this, I remain confused by those who imply they are interested in me yet, do not make any efforts or attempts to contact me. Maybe they don’t like me enough, but why give the impression or imply that we are dating? How am I supposed to navigate mixed signals? The problem is, that despite their actions, I choose to believe them at face value. So, if someone tells me that they like me, but prove otherwise, I will unfortunately continue to believe they are interested in me. I have also seen the other end of it. I see people infatuated with others, but they are too afraid or don’t care to tell them. I don’t understand why. If someone likes you, wouldn’t you like to know? I tend to act according to what I would like to hear from others. Now, this is not to say that I am the perfect model. Absolutely not. I have no clue what I’m doing. I have always told people I liked them, but it has never led me anywhere. I have also hurt people through my honesty. I have really messed things up between some of the people I've liked and myself. It’s important to remember that we are not responsible for people’s reactions to our behaviors, but we are responsible for our actions. I am sorry if I have hurt you; I recognize that I can also be at fault. People tend to tell me that I just want a relationship. It’s not about being in a relationship, although that would be nice. I want someone to be interested in getting to know me as much as I am interested in getting to know them. Not too much, not too little. Mutual infatuation, desire, and passion. I want sex to feel intimate, even if it’s casual. I have had casual relations that have felt fulfilling; so much more fulfilling than some of my actual relationships. It’s about mutual interest, common values, and consistency. When I think of fulfillment in romance, sex, and intimacy, one person often comes to mind. My European holiday romance. It was purely that, nothing more. Definitely, some, if not the most, intimate days I have ever spent with someone. Our romance was unconditional, just a few days well spent together; no stressing about what we were, or when we would see each other again, but rather enjoying the company we shared at that exact moment in time. Can you fall in love with someone in just a few days? Maybe not, but in those few days, I felt something. Something I have been longing to feel again ever since. I miss you, and your cheeky British accent. What I want is connection. I have a strong affinity for people. I want to love people in whichever way I am meant to love them. I have fallen in love with so many people, but I am tired of being someone’s second option, someone’s secret fling, or sexual goal. I want to be loved but realize it needs to come from myself first. I am probably the only person who can ever love myself for all I am, and I need to be okay with that. It might be nice, but I know that I need to stop relying on external validation from others. At the end of the day, I will continue to believe in love. Regardless of my past mistakes, and the inevitable mistakes I will continue to make. Ultimately, we learn. We learn what we want from all of our past relationships, failed or not. I am grateful for every single person I have ever connected with emotionally, romantically, and intimately; even if they might have hurt me deeply. Consider this a love letter to you all, Happy Valentine’s day.
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